I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Single and childfree like Jesus
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?