People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Called it
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*