Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*