My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there