I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.