Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.