Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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