when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.