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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.