Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.