Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.