Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
ouch
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?