I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.