I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Schrödinger’s cookie
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.