My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people