Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Google assistant rules
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change