My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.