[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.