I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.