“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.