I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.