Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Seas the day!!!!
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.