I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.