“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge