I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he鈥檚 so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I鈥檝e never met messaged me to inform me he鈥檚 allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
It鈥檚 better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don鈥檛 know why they never mention that.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what