Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.