i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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Kermit goes Blue.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I put the hot in psychotic.
Don’t touch that.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?