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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.