The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.