BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
good work, detective
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.