ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.