Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
🤣🤣
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.