“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
this is the best day of my life
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Modded the new Gran Turismo