Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…