Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Yup
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.