Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
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Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude