If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.