My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Does it…does it take 3 days
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Every house has this drawer
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.