Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.