I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
notice
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.