I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.