Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
i’m sure it’s fine
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.