My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m literally crying
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too