You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting