9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You Might Also Like
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean