Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.