Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Holy moly
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.