My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
You Might Also Like
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Word.
~ Microsoft.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.