I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
me working on my assignments ^-^
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or