Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
You Might Also Like
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card